I don’t hate you, but I don’t think I can live or work here.
For starters, you are not good for my mental health. In a previous post about feeling homesick in Korea, I noted that there was a distinct lack of “emotional breakdown pit-stops, culture shock potholes, and what-am-I-doing-with-my-life detours.” Needless to say that my visits in Japan are all but characterized by these experiences, and I really can’t put up with it much longer. By now, you know that I’m an anxious person, always self-conscious of what I’m doing, where I’m doing it and how. You just make me even more paranoid than I already am with your strict societal rules and regulations. I know that as a foreigner, people may not expect me to get everything right, or follow the rules to a T, but after being here long enough I can’t help but wonder when I’ll stop making mistakes, or wondering if the reason no one wants to be friends with me is because I’ve made some huge social faux-pas that people are too “polite” to tell me about. As much as I’m for reading between the lines, in recent years I’ve also found that this is creates a huge block in communication and can inspire numerous misunderstandings. I want you to communicate with me, so I can understand where you’re coming from, and maybe listen to me when I speak Japanese instead of letting your panic deafen you to what I’m saying.
Maybe I’m just at a rebellious stage, but I’ve kept a tight rein on myself for most of my life to strive for what I perceived as social perfection and peace, and now I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of holding everything in, quieting myself down to keep people comfortable. To live here, you must care too much about what other people think. I’m tired of hiding behind my shyness, and the longer I’m here, the longer I want to give into my shyness and the people-pleasing mentality. It’s time for me to bust out the box I’ve been living in for so long. As it is, you are on the verge of giving me a crippling social anxiety that I just can’t afford to shoulder.
Also, I need hugs. Hugs are an integral part of my life, Japan. My life is made richer by meeting people from all walks of life. Diversity, encountering people from different countries and backgrounds has really made life worth living. You know, variety is the spice of life and all that. Here, there’s a definite lack of inclusiveness, drawing bright red lines between who is and isn’t Japanese; the people who aren’t “Japanese” face a whole load of discrimination and criticism. Even Japanese-Americans. Not saying we don’t have that in the States, but at least in the states you can speak up for yourself and there are marginalized people who will stand up with you. It can get a little crazy sometimes, but at least we have a way of recourse to right those injustices instead of taking the beatings quietly.
I’ll never work here. Strict hierarchies within Japanese companies are not for me to begin with, but especially as a woman, the Japanese workplace ridden with sexism and sexual harassment, the Japanese workplace is a dark land I have no desire to venture into. I could go on and on about the Japanese work ethic (equally incredible and frightening) and the treatment of women in the workplace, but these would be stories I’ve only heard, as I’ve never entered the Japanese workplace myself. There’s another blogger who worked in Japan for three years and makes observations about the Japanese work ethic. I suggest you read what he has said here. Spurred by some recent incidents in 2014, Eryk has also written on sexual harassment in Japan and more specifically for sexual harassment in the JET program. If you are at all interested in the treatment of women in Japan, women’s rights, working in Japan and especially if you’re considering applying for the JET program, I highly suggest you read these posts (click here). Like I said, I’ve never been victim to these myself, but I’ve seen business outings at izakaya, even had encounters with Japanese youths that have sent off tiny warning bells in my head, small but meaningful indicators of what life is like on the inside. I have to say, I certainly don’t envy it.
People say that it’s changing, and I’m sure the treatment of women and non-Japanese people has changed over recent years. By no means am I trying to say that people can’t change, but the way it is now is not the Japan for me. And that’s fine. Foreign countries aren’t made for my comfort. As many pros as there are for living in Japan, the cons that I’ve listed here far outweigh the pros, according to my value system. Ultimately, I’m a guest, and this was just a test-run. Far be it from me to tell someone how to run a country or what a whole culture is doing “wrong”. But what I can do is experience the good, learn from our differences, and work on making myself the best me I can be. And Japan, you’ve played a huge role in the person I am today. I will always be grateful to you and appreciate you. It’s time for me to be the best person I can be somewhere else. No hard feelings, right?